WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
if only i could text you this smell
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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