Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We just shotgunned beers for America
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
