Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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