when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
