The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
