Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
