She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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