Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
