Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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