If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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