i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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