I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
