Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
