my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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