Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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