what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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