see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
