Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
