don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
