The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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