I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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