So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
