Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
