i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
