just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
