Me. At least after what I've been through.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
