I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
