so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
