I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
