I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Everyone says I win the strip club
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
