Ambien. No doubt about it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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