There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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