I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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