my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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