If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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