I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
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Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream