Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
