why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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