Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
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