Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
