Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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