anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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