he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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