How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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