New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The air was thick with penises
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
