so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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