If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
