when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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