I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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