she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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