I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
