his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
