Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
