You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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