They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
