DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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