Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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