my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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