WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
