you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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