I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
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An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
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The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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